The best reason to have a baby

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There are many great reasons to have a child, that’s why people have kids all the time. However, there is one great reason to have a child that no one talks about. This reason is a secret among all parents that they must take an oath never to divulge while at the hospital. It is a secret so sacred that if non-parents were to find out and reveal this secret it would likely reduce the birth rate in any country by 50%.  I will tell you this secret on the condition that you never use it against a parent but only use it once you are a parent yourself. If you agree to this condition then come a little closer to your screen and allow me to share this priceless secret with you. 

Babies are an excuse to get out of anything. ANYTHING.

Yes a new baby takes a lot of your time, you will sleep less, get puked on, get peed on, and have a constant headache but it is also an opportunity. Consider all the things that you do now that you wish you could avoid. Those awkward things that you can’t say no to but you would just love to say no to. I mean things like after-work functions, helping your friend move, birthday parties, in-law visits, anything! Your baby is your ticket to freedom.

Having a baby is the unknown variable that no one questions because no one would ever lie based on their baby, right? That would just be immoral, right? Wrong! As long as you spend the time that you have saved with your baby then it just makes you a better parent. So use every excuse you can think of and allow yourself and your child to win as a result. 

You do need to be careful with excuses and knowing your audience is very important as well. If you use the same vague excuse over and over again people will start to realize you are lying and you won’t be able to get away with it for much longer. You see those people that don’t have babies are permanently suspicious. They see you leaving early, arriving late, and they know something is up. However, they are caught as they don’t know enough about babies to call you out. Those people who have had babies likely know you are lying but they will let you, as they did it too. Push the lie too far and the non-baby owners will feel brave enough to call you out. Push the lie too far and the other baby owners won’t be able to protect you.

If using the excuse in a work environment then you need to make it sound like you are sacrificing something for your partner. This is an incredibly kind gesture that no one will second guess. Say something like “my partner has got no sleep this week because little Jake has been acting up, it’s my turn to step in”. This will allow you to be vague while coming across like a hero. Of course, using an illness is a great excuse too but you can only do this once every three months to avoid being caught out.

What you can do here is ask your partner to take the bullet. If they want to see their family and take the baby too, this is the one time you can use your child as an excuse With your in-laws, you must be more careful. They want to see the baby so using it as an excuse won’t work. and spend time without it. Your partner can say that you have been doing so much for your child this week that you just needed some downtime. Perfect, no questions asked.

A new baby is a gift that keeps on giving. It will get you out of anything as long as you play your cards right. Show those cards too early and use the same excuse too often and you will be found out. Play them just right and you can be making effective excuses until you see your baby off to college. For those of you without kids reading this, the only question you have to ask is: is it time to create a fictional baby?